The love of my Saviour

Life sucks

2010-11-18T21:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I dreaded going home because of the things I have to face.

lost after transitions

2010-09-25T23:10:00.002+08:00

Its a scary thing to have lost the will to live isn't it. To have lost the will to carry on doing things that matters, things that count. To have been defeated by life's circumstances and by those we care - because they don't care back in return. To always pour out and never having anything pour back in. To see the sun set on everything we hold close to and being able to do nothing to stop it. Being too blinded to see the obvious and too passive to do anything about it.

I have decided to stop. Coz the last straw has been drawn. The towel has been thrown in. All that is left of the candle is just a stump, a puddle of dried wax - unable to be of anymore use. Like water being poured out into the drain - the passion has drained. If only they were used to properly water the plants .. if only ...

Like a rechargeable battery that has been drained, I need to be properly recharged. And it won't help if I'm still being use while being charged. I will never be full again. Like a burned out candle, all that remains of my passion is a puddle of unsightful wax.

BB Week - 2010

2010-03-22T19:14:00.012+08:00

Its the time of the year where I am asking for donations from my friends for Boys Brigade. This blog post will be an accountability for the amounts I have received from my friends.

(As of March 28 - $365)

$2:
1) LLL - $2
2) Aini - $2
3) Carine T - $2

$4:
3) Jeric - $4

$5:
01) Shirley - $5
02) Nancy L - $5
03) Adeline G - $5
04) Shakina - $5
05) Sheela - $5
06) Zhou Qi - $5

07) CT - $5

$10:
01) Ronald - $10
02) OTH - $10
03) Dennis - $10
04) Peter G - $10
05) Simon S - $10
06) Thomas Y - $10
07) Mrs T Y - $10
08) Daniel Q - $10
09) Michael O - $10
10) Lala - $10
11) Zurong - $10
12) William N - $10
13) Jerome - $10
14) Kim Leong - $10
15) Kendrel C - $10
16) Alfian - $10

$20:
01) Mae - $20
02) Dylan T - $20

03) Aaron Liew - $20

$100
01) Clarence Lim RQ - $100

Those Happy Times

2010-02-20T01:47:00.001+08:00

Haix. All of a sudden, in the middle of the night ... I missed my old colleagues. Looking thru the photos in my phone brings back such happy and fun memories.

Alone ...

2010-01-23T19:40:00.000+08:00

"All By Myself"

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

生命。

2010-01-16T19:45:00.001+08:00

On my way to Redhill today, this thought came to my mind. Life is really like a Humongous Flow Chart with one ending. The ending is this - We will all stand before God.

And on my way to Jurong, this came to mind - Changes are really like pebbles being thrown into a body of water. And people are so concerned about the ripples it brings, they failed to notice the calmness that returns and the slight increase in volume.

New Beginnings

2010-01-16T18:40:00.001+08:00

New beginnings are easier said than done. Resolutions are easier to pin down den to work at it. The way things are now, I think I will be more ready to take care of children in primary school and then transit them out of my care. I really have this terrible feeling of losing God's people once they are in my hands. I guess from here on, the slippery road starts.

First Post Of 2010

2010-01-05T16:51:00.002+08:00

This is my first post of the year and I aim to do it more frequently. 2009 has been sort of a terrible year in my life. Where debtors came knocking on my door every so often. Where I lived with the thought of just giving up on everything. 2009 also has been gaining more weight despite attempts to loose them. 2009 also has me screaming and blowing my top ever so often with boys and family members who are dear to me. One thing I have learn is that I need to be less, if not stop procastinating. And also to be a better judge and controller of my finances. Life would have been so different ...

This year I've thought about my own resolutions.

1) To be financially stable and free (by june latest)

2) To loose weight (@ least 1-2KG / month)

3) To be proficient in my new job (by march)

4) To pay bills on time (by march)

5) To get hitched (before the bees around me buzz me to .. .. ....)

I really pray that this year my spiritual life with God gets stronger and that I have truly learnt from my past lessons. Life sucked ... but it doesn't mean I cannot influence it to be better. GOD BLESS MEEEEE ... :P

Resolved for a new beginning.

2009-12-27T01:50:00.001+08:00

I am resolved for a real new beginning next year.

Quote from Star Trek Enterprise

2009-08-09T01:13:00.002+08:00

Think I should have it down here coz it's meaningful to me. I've forgotten which season (4 or 5) and which episode it was from. Captain Archer was talking to Ta'Pol ...

"They say 'Time Heals All Wounds', but they also say 'Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder'."

What an irony right, but also so true in what it says. I love this type of sayings. =)

I wonder ...

2009-08-09T00:59:00.002+08:00

I'm having my 7th reservist this week and will be away for the most part of the month. When I return after the first week, my family said they missed me. And very soon, they began asking me to do this, and do that. I have no choice but to wonder, do they miss me coz there's a handyman short?

This hasn't been a good year to me. First, it was some financial problems that my dad had to help me out. Now, hmm ... I'm also not sure. I've never had any problem sleeping in a new environment but this year I've had problems sleeping. And i had such a strong headache in the morning. Haix. Life really sux sometimes.

I'm also considering a change in my work environment, and probably after that my ministry environment. Unless I really know from God I am to stay la. Haix. If the change in my work environment is successful, I may get to ... .... ..... =)

Time is ...

2009-05-16T02:10:00.000+08:00

Time is priceless,
Yet it costs us nothing.

You can do anything you want with it,
but you can't own it.

You can spend it,
but you can't keep it.

And once you've lost it,
there is no getting it back.

It's just ... gone.

(From the TV Series "Medium")

BB WEEK 2009 (08/03/09 - 05/04/09)

2009-03-14T15:13:00.013+08:00

Hi Everyone. It's the time of the year where I am asking for donations for BB Week again. I am a volunteer officer with the Boys' Brigade in Singapore and we ask for donations once a year to help with the Boys activities such as Camps, outdoor enrichment activities, etc. This blog entry is really a way for me to keep track of my donors and the amount they are donating. More details will be added along the way.

Till 13/03/09 - $30
(Aini $2, Shirley $2, Hema $2, Sheela $2, Eileen $2, Pauline $2, Herng Lee $2, Shu Wei $4, Mr Low $2, Dylan $10)

Till 15/03/09 - ($30 + $74) $104
(Mae $50, Jerome $10, Daron $2, Yuling $4, Kelvin Liew $2, Eadwine $2, Johnathan $2, Joshua $2)

Till 16/03/09 - ($104 + $14) $118
(Peirong $5, Nancy $5, Grace $2, Raudha $2)

Till 24/03/09 - ($118 + $20) $138
(Zurong $10, Peggy $10)

Till 01/04/09 - ($138 + $10) $148
(Andrew $5, Ronny $5)

Till 02/04/09 - ($148 + $2) $150
(Dr Lim $2)

Till 06/04/09 - ($150 + $30) $200
(Shawn $30, Aaron L. $20)

Till 19/04/09 - ($200 + $2) $202
(Kelvin $2)

I hereby thank all my "donators".
We'll do this again next year!

Reminiscing Old Times

2009-01-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

A few weeks back .. on the train .. i had the chance to think about old times.

When I was young, "really young", i would often wake up finding a new digital watch with superman or spiderman design beside me. I would always feel so happy and excited. And the person who made that happened is my Mummy. :)

There was this time where I think I really angered my mummy. Think it was some test results .. cannot be sure .. and she sent me outside of our house saying she dun want me. I remember standing out side our house door at Meiling street. Crying and thinking that my mummy really dun want me anymore. That was until my mum came out and ask me, "Still dun want to come in ah". Cannot remember what happened after that.

It was funny thinking back all that had happened.

~ nothing is forever ~

2008-10-18T00:20:00.002+08:00

Sigh. A new change has come. My young men will now join together with others to form a new Primer's Company. This is like a little ant that gnaws at me non-stop, at a location i cannot reach. It is like sending my children overseas to study, something that is beneficial for them but hard for me to let go. gROWl.

It's a funny thing and I really am lost at how I should react. They have been a form of encouragement to me whenever i go for parade and face with disappointment from the little ones. Do I now go through everything I went through with them again with the little ones? No encouragement to lift me up, to push me on, to lessen the heartaches?

I am limited in the things i am able to teach. I do not have many skills, and my walk with God is not great. So what can I pass to them? To help them deal with their future? Perhaps sending them "to overseas study" is the right thing to do. Perhaps I should never have started something I couldn't handle in the end.

Oh God, I know you have a purpose for my life. But where's the instructions to achieve that purpose ah?

Old Ppl Learn New Things

2008-08-28T22:51:00.003+08:00

It's been a very EMO-taxing week for me. Began since sunday. sigh.

EMO is a new word i've picked up from young boys.

Everything that is happening is killing me inch by inch.

Haven't thought of what photos to take for my Photography Assignment due October.

Night class resume next week.

My sister talks to CAT. :o

NEWS UPDATE!!

2008-07-28T22:48:00.003+08:00

Xavier can eat chicken now!! The ordeal has been shortened due to lack of food without chicken ingredients. :)

NOPE. Your comments are not needed for this entry. ;)

The reward system is no longer effective immediately. I only owe 2 people breakfast so far. :O

Weight Management

2008-07-25T10:32:00.000+08:00

1) Too much good food too often makes you fat faster

2) The only weight lost from too much good food is from your ... wallet :(

This blog is brought to you at MacDonald's @ Queensway.

ACTION REQUIRED!!

2008-07-22T15:07:00.005+08:00

OMG. I've gained a lot of weight lately. So much that my clothes are all getting tighter!! I have decided. I will go on a Chicken-Free month starting 230708. Anyone caught me eating chicken will get a free BIG BREAKFAST from me. Or you can suggest any penalty that does not cost more than $10. ARGH!!!!

On the third edit ... i better also cut down on my rice intake to one small bowl per meal.

P/S: Essence of Chicken is not included in this deal. =)

OUTING!!!!

2008-07-05T18:01:00.007+08:00

I skipped parade today .. to go on a photography outing (part of a course i've signed up for). Here are some pics I took. Oh, they are being upload non-sequencially.

life is confusing, so is this blog entry.

2008-06-17T00:26:00.002+08:00

I must be pretty a lousy person. All these while I keep telling boys not to take me for granted. In my mind it never occur to me that I could be taking them for granted from time to time too. All these while I've tried my best to meet their needs, and I thought I was doing the right thing. Haix. Truth is, I get tired so easily now. And sometimes I dunno how to go on from here.

My old boys all grow up le. Some even cannot stand my non-sensical behaviour at times. Some will console me, talk to me. Some dun. haix ...

My old boys have all grown up to be young men le. Time pass so fast. So very fast. And it's been so fun watching them grow. So intersting. Love them soo much. Brothers that God has given to me to take care of.

Everything changes ...

2008-06-03T23:14:00.002+08:00

I read somewhere ....

"Of All The Things You Wear,
Your Expressions Is The Most Important."

How I missed the times where I get to played Monster Hunter with my guys almost everyday. Getting excited over killing those hard-to-kill monsters and all. Getting all the raw materials.

Time really past by so fast. Over five years I had 4 Young Men working with me in BB. 1's in NS, 1's preparing for his exams very intensely. 2's been helping me very closely and these 2 I hold very dearly to me. I know I shouldn't show favoritism, but I've spend so much time with these two that I (not sure abt them though .. haha) really felt very close to them.

Took up new batch of young men last year. Trying very hard to break the ice between us and getting to know one another. The only thing that draws me to my weekly activities are the fact that I can see them again. Even my colleagues are crying foul over how "nice" I am to them. LOL. Recently had to select some NCO of the company. Hope my recommendations are not going to haunt me. heh. Hope the rest dun get jealous too. :p :p

Currently, I am waiting for iPhone to be released in Singapore. Thereafter I will be switching to Apple and no more high end nokia for me. haha. ok. nothing to blog about already.

The Final Chapter ..

2008-04-06T10:56:00.003+08:00

Today marks the beginning of the end of everything I hold close to my heart. Wonder how long this "Beginning of The End" lasts ...

The people I hold close doesn't want me near.

A one sided effort that ends with nothing.

A final wake up call ...

Coffee Prince.

2008-02-12T05:03:00.000+08:00

Wow. I've just started watching Coffee Prince. It's really a nice show that made me laugh and cry. A lot of lessons on how hard life is and how miserable money can really make u feel.

Just for the record.

2008-01-26T00:11:00.000+08:00

Just for the record.

I love my children very much. Because they are God-given. The times I spent with them are my most treasured memories. The treats that I have given them are the happiest moments I can remember and I think they are worth every single one of them. So for the record, my God-given child already have special places in my heart. Whereever they are, whatever they have done .. they are always deeply loved.

~end~

Updates so far

2008-01-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

Here's an update so far.

School's reopening for me starting tomorrow. I hope I can finish by the end of June and not any longer. Haixx. First lesson tomorrow and I have a test waiting for me. :(

Life's getting boring again. hah. arghhh ~~

2008, Another New Beginning

2008-01-15T09:39:00.000+08:00

A little late for my first blog of the year huh. Well, I guess a late start is better than not starting. A strange thing happened as I started writing this entry. I 'happened' to "not" save my draft and I ended up having to rewrite everything, so I'm writing everything again. Haix.
This year started with a bit of rush with two major events happening on the same day. But I'm really glad the wedding turned out to be better. Hah. This year will be my 6th year serving in the BB Ministry. And my greatest joy had been the three young men whom I'm still trying to know better. From them, I've learnt many hardships that had break my heart numerous times. But I love them so much, as if they were my younger brothers and sons, that I only learnt to treasure them even more. This year will be heavy for them as they continue to serve with me. My aim for them is to strike a balance, at least, between study & ministry. I also aim to have open and honest communications between all of us.
Workwise, I've been promoted up by 1 grade beginning of the year. The job scope's still the same and probably one or two additional interests. Studywise, I'm aiming to finish it by Mid of this year. Healthwise, my slipped disc has worsen as compared to last year, after my last incamp training. Tried seeing SAF doctor but was told that I would only get downgraded further if I start having neurological symptoms.
Anyway, that's all for now. Took time off today. On my way home now. Yay!!!

Last Blog Entry for 2007 ...

2007-12-31T17:19:00.000+08:00

I am tired of asking people.
I am tired of being asked.
I am tired of queueing up.
I am tired of being con.
I am tired of pleading with people.
I am tired of people who dun mean what they say.
I am tired of being bored.
I am tired of my back pain.
I am tired of the things I cannot do.
I am tired of being upset by everything easily.
I am tired of thinking so much.
I am tired of rushing for last minute orders.
I am tired, so very tired of life at times.

On Life ...

2007-11-25T00:56:00.000+08:00

Life should have been easy to pass. But why is it so difficult for some of us out there sometime? Why can't life be straight-forward and easy going. Why are there so many contradictions, so many idiocyncracies, so many decisions, so many wrong moves, so many laughters, so many smiles, so many happy occasions, so many many things? Why can't living our life be simple?

hmm ...

2007-11-21T05:09:00.000+08:00

Hah! It's finally over. My first time being a Camp Commandant. Had it not been for my dear children, hmmm ... It wasn't really as bad as I had thought it would be. Neither was it as relaxed as I thought it would be. Ended up being so tired I slept from 12pm to 9pm .. and then from 3am to 11am. Went for the camp after thursday's night shift so I can save up my off days ... and going back to work night shift after the camp. Tiring hor. Never get to sleep well also.

I'm really glad and wanna give thanks to God for the whole camp. Pray that all the new boys will really rise up as leaders in their own school. Thinking back, I think the NCO's were really "cute" as they go about doing their jobs. And the trainers were wonderful too, engaging the boys and making them go "ra-ra" .. here's a big THANK YOU for all of you. Without your willingness to lead, this camp would have been less fun.

this couple of weeks will be another busy one for me ... this thursday and friday will see me going back reservist following another 2 weeks from 3rd to 15th december. *yawn* .. think the essence of chicken's effect is gonna wear out soon. oh, just read some of the reflections of the nco on their blog, very interesting and they sure brings back some sweet memories. hah ... till another day ~~

... And A Month Has Passed ...

2007-11-13T08:31:00.000+08:00

Wow. Time sure pass by us fast enough. So many things to update, let me see ...

Some complaining first. I do not like Long John Sliver Restuarant. I think they are really bad with their service and that's why the need to captain's bell to cover their insecurity. My bad experience with them was not just one outlet, but about two to three outlets. Some were repeated experiences with the same outlet. It was so bad that I had on a few occasions refused to enter their premises when my family suggested going there to eat. I just told them "I boycott LJS one, if you want just go eat there yourself". Here are some of my bad experiences with them in summary.

01) Marine Parade Outlet
- Many years back me and my frens were joining table to eat together. Then this manager came and told us we cannot join tables and insisted that we spilt. This is inspite of the outlet having only a 'handful' of people

02) Jurong Point Outlet
- NS Days. Ordered a take-away and was told to wait for my food. The counter gals were chatting nonstop and then after a while one suddenly turned and asked me "What you waiting for". In a very rude manner. When I replied her, she just turn and took my food to pass to me. This simply meant that the food has been there all the while!!

- Another incident was this year. The customer infront of me kept adding on orders for his friends who had just arrived. When the manager opened another counter, instead of serving me first, he asked the one behind me to go to him!! Making me stand there like an idiot. Of course I didn't proceed to buy the food there. Such lousy service.

03) Jurong Entertainment Center
- Last year went there to eat. Couldn't make up my mind so I stalled for a moment. This malay guy made the "cht" sound to imply impatience. And then proceed to speak in malay to his other pals. Is this service? Can't I think about my order before making it. And by the way, there was no one behind me in the queue.

04) Central
- Made an order with my colleague last few months. The counter guy didn't take down the first order we made. And we waited quite long for our order only to realise that problem. The manager? Worse, inside doing the cooking and talking on her cell phone. Calling customer by the color of the shirt he is wearing and the poor counter boy alone and blur.

There, rest my case.

Learning Never Ends ...

2007-10-11T12:10:00.000+08:00

Life's Lessons ...

1. Cherish those you have around you, while they are still with you.

2. Sometimes, we just need one person to believe in us.

3. Everyone needs a good laugh from time to time.

4. Sometimes, it is ok to show some affections to those you care.

5. It is definitely okay to make mistakes.

6. It is not okay to make the same ones over and over again.

7. It is alright to trust someone, and get disappointed by them in the end.

8. The people who will hurt us the most, are those we hold closest to us.

9. We need to accept our friends just as they are, no judgements passed.

10. Dreaming big dreams are not difficult, making them come true is.

~ Life has many lessons to teach, if we don't start writing them down, we will start forgetting them. ~

It's About Life this round.

2007-10-11T03:01:00.000+08:00

Life is life
by Samir E

Life is life, even though it’s tough,
You gotta live with it, even though it’s rough.

It’s a gift, given to us from up above,
So don’t use it for hatred, but use it for love.

Life is the most precious, and valuable gift of all,
So don’t throw it away, by jumping of a wall.

I know it myself, life can be hard,
So if your looking for help, just speak to God.

Life’s of too great value to be thrown away,
So thank God for letting you live – every, single day.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl,
No matter how you kill yourself, you’ve got a date with Lucifer.

You never know when your life will come to an end,
So live your life happily, get a family, and a best friend.

Would you rather have lovely granddaughters, and grandsons? ,
Or kill yourself now, and burn in hell when Dooms day comes.

Live everyday as if it would be your last,
Be kind, happy, and have a blast.

Life is life

ARGHH .. finally handed in my assignment!! I've come to realised that I really prefer exams to assignment. Life is just full of tests on our ability to live on courageously. Recently started to watch "Magician of Love" .. and it turns out to be quite nice actually. Guess I cannot stay away from Romance-Comedy stories. I'm so glad it's not too long. haha. Looking forward to the holiday season that is coming!!!! I love Christmas!! =D

People Are People.

2007-09-24T15:02:00.006+08:00

People are People
by The Queen of Pain

People are people
just let them be
for life is up to them
life is filled with choice
it is up to you to pick the right ones
there are so many options
for you and me
love or hate
right or wrong
justice or unjust
light or dark
fight or ignore
solve problems or create problem
good or evil
happiness or sadness
calm or anger
it is all up to you
only you can choose how you will live you life
so let others be
and make your own choices

I cannot understand people at all. And sometimes, I cannot stand the life I am living. Busy with people, with schedules, with work and not much time for leisure. I would like to say though I am grateful to have felt during these few years, for I have felt joy, care, love, anger, lost, heartaches, heartbreaks, sadness, laughters, and many more. Sometimes I hate life, sometimes I love life and most of the time I dunno what to do with it. God help me. Maybe I should take a break and refocus. Renew my thinking and refresh my spirit. Hmm ..

p/s: oh, I remember there used to be a children's fairytale about a toy having a broken heart (literally) .. but I cannot remember which tale. Can anyone help? :)

Chinese Characters!

2007-09-24T14:35:00.000+08:00

This is one of the most complex Chinese Character. And it's a type of ... Noodle. :p

This is the Chinese Character for Love

This is the Chinese Character for Loyalty.

This is the Chinese Character for Endureance.

A Sentient Being Called Human

2007-09-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

This topic started on sunday actually. At Suntec's Subway where I was having my dinner with two young men. We were saying and talking about how much people can change and what changes them. I believe that family background and the individual's character determines how they turn out to be. But because I also believe in a Creative God, there is no way of really breaking them down into specific categories. All I know is, the main deciding factor is really Character. But character is also determined and moulded by the surrounding we are in.

It is always disappointing seeing how badly people fare. Especially those whom we have invested time in. Of course no one is perfect, but we need to recognise that in order to be able to ask for the right type of help. So many times we turn to the wrong source, like what Pastor Melvin shared during sunday. There are four types of voice - devil's, our own's, people around us', & God's. So many times we listen to the wrong voice and followed their advise only to find our own destruction. Life is really more than just making a living. It is a tug-of-war where WE are that rope that is being tugged between God and the devil. The only difference in this tug-of-war is that the tugging is gentle and we make our own choice following those tugs.

I am an Overseer in this life. But I am not perfect. I am inperfect in ways beyound descriptions and I also have an Overseer in my life. And another one is his life. We aim to develop Godly Children and while at the same time, we ourselves are also being developed. It is a heartbreaking process, where we learnt the things that break God's heart. That held Jesus at the cross. The heartaches, the tears, and then follows the joy that comes with the children growing up. I will take the hard times and the good times as the Lord gives. To God be the glory.

Eagle! Eagle Over Your Mountains
by Saul Tchernichovsky

Eagle! eagle over your mountains, an eagle is flying over your mountains!
Slow and light — it seems as if for a moment — it is merely floating,
Floating, sailing in a sea of blue, alert to the song of delight in the heart
Of the heavens — of the sky, circling mutely in searing light.
Eagle! eagle over the mountains, an eagle is flying over your mountains!
Straight of body, heavy-pinioned, black of feather and broad of wing;
Soaring taut — arrow from a bow — an eagle makes the rings of its (sweeping) circles;
Tracking from above the signs of its prey in meadow and in rock-crevice.
Soaring, gliding-gliding, and with wondrous touch did not move a wing.
For an instant — it froze, then — he barest movement [lit. movement-no-movement] in its wings,
The slightest tremble suddenly — and it rises toward the cloud.
Eagle! eagle over your mountains, an eagle is flying over your mountains!
Slow and light — it seems as if for a moment — it is merely floating…
[O] Land (earth) [an] eagle [is] over your mountains — over you face, a massing of shadow,
From the giant wings passes, caresses the mountains of God.

Jehovah God, help my children soar!

BB, AOH & Sakura

2007-09-02T00:10:00.000+08:00

Wow .. had a tiresome day today. Parade, followed by a visit to Army Open House, and finally Sakura for a heavy meal. My guys had their Drill One test today and I am glad to say that they've all managed to clinch their Drill Stage One Award!! Then 10 of us rushed to Boon Lay Interchange to grab a not so quick bite. And headed on to the chartered bus to AOH. (BTW, U CAN CLICK ON THE PICS TO SEE THE FULL SIZED VERSION OF IT!!)

Our Drill Master --> The Gatsby Man (hmm .. why?)

Our Primer CSM --> big brother in action ..

Well, when we reach the army camp it was raining but luckily it was only for a short while. Anyway, I think it was not fully captivating the boys with the long queues and all but I believe they had some fun at the very least. The guys managed to get some shooting done over at AOH and were introduced to the new and existing generation of weaponry. Here's some of the things they did .. :)

And finally, settling our dinner over at Sakura. Guess the first dish the young guns had. FRIED RICE!!! LOL .. yes, pls try and imagine our shock ... :| well, at least they've learnt important lessons now .. whoahaha

okies folks, that's all for now. I've had fun and had exhausted all my energy. Leg's starting to ache, it happens whenever i walked too much. lol ... okok .. till another day!! :D

2007-08-29T17:17:00.000+08:00

To Those I Love and Those Who Love Me
By Darrell Ward

When I am gone, release me let me go,
I have so many things to see and do.
You musn’t tie yourself to me with tears,
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess
How much you gave to me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must,
Then let your grief be comforted by trust;
It's only for a while that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won’t be far away, for life goes on.
So if you need me, call and I will come.
Through you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near.
And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear.

And then when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile, and “Welcome home.”

what is life?

2007-08-14T13:40:00.000+08:00

What is this thing called "life"? Isn't it a term coined to describe the amount of years we are alive, and the things we do while we are alive? How then can we live our life "meaningfully"? Is this same as saying how we can find meaning in our life? And why would we want to do either? How do we measure the "level" of meaningfulness if there is even such a word at all?? Do we need to know if it's meaningful to ourself or to other people? Can our life remain meaningful if we are plagued with diseases? with troubles? with worries? with disappointment? How does one handle such things in their life? How can one find the hope that is needed to go on? hmm ...

2007-08-08T21:46:00.000+08:00

Time pass so fast. Another exam is over and a more difficult one came along! *scream*

I was watching an episode of HOUSE today and I came to a conclusion. If you are grouchy, people will in the end leave you. Because it's hard to work with a grouchy person. Don't get me wrong, people who cares for you will continue to care, but they will leave you if you remain grouchy.

Perhaps it's good to ask the close friends around you now and then. Ask them to tell you have u have been as a human being to them. What are the characteristics you've displayed for them. How tolerant are they of you? If your friends are truly truly close ones, they will tell you the truth even though it hurts. Even though it is said that "The Truth Always Hurts", it is also said that "And The Truth Will Set You Free". Be a positive thinking person.

One thing I've learnt during my repeat year for "O" Level is this. NEVER leave God out of your life's equation. Be it study, career, building friendship, worries, trouble or anything I may not have mentioned. Trust God always because even though your future is in ur hands, God is the only one who can mold it's shape. ;)

humans are so fragile

2007-08-02T23:47:00.000+08:00

I AM SICK!!! I have had diarrhoea about 10 times and vomitted once since wednesday. Humans are so fragile, tiny things we consume always affects us in this way. Argh, I missed my fried chicken, my roast chicken, and all the nice chickens. Life's too short and there's just too many things to do. Too many things to show concern and too many lessons to learn along the way.

Guess I can write down why I deleted my friendster account. I started it around 2003 when my first group of BB Boys joined it. Back then we posted messages, testimonials and pics and many more. But along the years, this activitiy degraded to the point where it's only checking on the new photos and nothing else. So I deleted it, just because it has become so pointless to keep it and having to login to check for something that no longer help in anyway.

life's full of so many sad stories. life's full of so many happy stories. life's really just full of many contradictions huh? ;)

life ...

2007-07-30T23:52:00.000+08:00

Last last week I told the guys in my cell that the one thing we worry most is that they will backslide and cease to believe in God. But what good is talking about fear when it's not enough to put me on my knees to pray to God about it?

And recently, I've been seeing things. Things that makes me wonder and then came to these conclusions. Regardings things we love. Sometimes we lose it becase we tried too hard. Sometimes we lose it because we ignore it too long. And sometimes we gain it just by being who we really are. So everything should be committed to God, and we should just be who we are. We should then ask for His blessings and favor so that everything can fall into their rightful place.

Being emotional and sensitive, I have caused so much unnecessary feelings of sadness, sorrow, guilt and all. Who can understand what I am going through and who can help me? The things that pass by my eyes, I see and interpret it in my mind. With my own limitted understanding, I caused little joy. Everyone wear masks around them, and people think that I am happy and cheerful. How I really long to be with God in heaven, to be just as I am. Without worries, without fear, without the troubles that plague my tired mind. Each week starts with new strength from Him, I just felt that so much of me have been used up and I need more and more strength just to sail through life.

Let me go. Set me free. Can it give up, have a break. I need to go away and feel nothing for a while. There is just too much for me to take, too many crossroads, to many deadends. I want to feel ... nothing .. for a while please.

Compass and Magnets.

2007-05-01T14:49:00.001+08:00

On my way to work yesterday night, this thought came to me. It suddenly occur to me that we are in fact similar to a compass. And the circumstances that affects us are really magnets of different sizes.
As a compass, we knew our true direction when we first began our journey. However, magnets of different sizes caused our paths to change and we became disillusioned, disoriented and disappointed. Having been exposed to such things, we are lost in our world. Sometimes we are aware of how lost we are, sometimes we aren't aware and that ignorance made us changed. We become bitter, unforgiving, hateful, unhappy, easily discouraged, and the list goes on. Then I realised, the only way for us to get on the right path again, is by going back to the Creator who made us. What a simple solution to a messy problem huh.
Go back to the source however requires us to make that decision. It also requires us to know where to find him. Even though it's laid out clearly, many people are just not seeing what's been laid before them. Well, I know I've found my Maker. Or rather my Maker has found me. Are you still like a disoriented compass giving out false directions and misguiding yourself at the same time?

Ecclesiastes 1:2

2007-04-09T01:15:00.000+08:00

Found life meaningless lately. I have no idea why I am still so emotionally. I kept asking God .. if the golden rule is to "Do to others what I would want others do to me", then how come it didn't happen. I guess I was pretty upset (on top of 2 night shfts) over a recent "family" gathering. Left behind ... and i wondered in my heart how could this be called a family gathering when my own people leave me behind? I meant come on, I informed them where I was at when I am not with them and they still leave me behind. At that moment it really hurts, and I again think of all my efforts with them. I believe that when my time is up, and if they do open up and look at my heart, they will see the cracks on it.

Why do I go on doing what I am doing? Sometimes I look at what's happening in my life and I really felt like crying. I asked Jesus, is this what it feels like to be betrayed? To have your own people turn on you. To have the people you love become such heartache. Seriously I really felt like giving up. I mean, XAVIER, what are you getting yourself into? So this then is what it takes to love someone? No wonder Patient and Kindness is first among Love's characteristics. But the heartaches and disappointment, argh, they drown me sometimes. So it's in moments like this that i felt .. that life in itself .. is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Everything I have done, what does it account to? Am I changing life or just wasting time. Their time, my time, God's time? Where is my encouragement? Where is my hope that all is well?

I've finally found enough reason to cancel my friendster account. Sometimes seeing them really really make my heart so aching that I cannot breath. Children. I think if I ever die, it'll be of a broken heart. I've given them a piece of it, filled with care and concern and love. The only thing that is missing in all that I have done, is regret. :)

Here, there & everywhere

2006-08-21T00:40:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

I've been so bad lately. Doing things I shouldn't. Entertaining thoughts that I really shouldn't. Losing my anger over every little things. Losing everything. Even getting ticked off recently. A little shocked, embarrassed by my undoing. But I am not ashamed of it. It is me, what I am made of. But it is something I'll need to change so help me God. Initiative. Resourcefulness. That's in versus of Procastination and staying in comfort zone.

I also think I may be losing passion. Over a lot of things. Things that I used to care a lot over. Maybe it's the feedback from these things. Maybe it's me getting tired. Maybe it's a lot of things that I am not aware of it yet. What should I do ... What should I do? Repeating my exams, repeating my mistakes, wasting my time again.

I feel like I want to be stranded in an isolated island. Where I dun have to meet anyone. Just be all alone. Enjoying the quiet and peace of loneliness. Argh, I no longer what I want anymore. Oh Lord, who are my friends? Who are my brothers? Can you take me somewhere where I can be changed, and replay part of my life. Where I can waste less time and make more things happen. So many things are happeneing. Can I take the stress?? Or should I take more anti-stress pills? :p

signing off,
xavier. :)

stunned, lost and hopeless

2005-01-26T19:17:00.000+08:00

I came to serve, hoping to change the life of many. I did not realise that mine was changed as well. 3rd year of serving and I am suddenly wondering ... What have I done? How much have I accomplised? How many do I really understand? Am I really helping? How long will being around them keep me happy?

Oh Lord I am hopeless. I cannot find the reason to make me go on. A few weeks ago, I was still thinking how nice and wonderful it would be to see them as grown ups. Going on successfully in their life, getting in love, getting married. But now, this very moment, I felt empty. I spent my monday night sleepless, mindful of thoughts on how to guide them this year. Love them, scold them?

Lost!! Lost!! Lost!! Like the needle that is lost in the vastness of the ocean. Rusting. Once so silvery, now so brown. Once so smooth, now so coarse. Lord, I really need a miracle. A squeeze to keep this heart pumping. Or everthing will be meaningless ... things that are meaningless shouldn't go on.

After CCA fair ... What's next

2005-01-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

Life has been so tiring ... one event after another. Recently I overslept and subsequently was over an hour late for work. Have I overworked myself to the point where I can no longer go on. There are only few reasons that drives me on. The Lord, the boys he gave me & my fellow brothers in church. Yet all these would haven been a waste of time if they boys do not grow in the Lord. I always remind myself of the reason I took up this challenge. And always look back to see if I done anything wrong. To these boys, I have plead, beg(?), persisted, get angry and even enjoyed a health dose of joy. I do not regret pouring out my love on them, but I do ask that God will help me deal with those little disappointments. I am starting to prepare myself for the major ones that may be coming my way.

I remembered, years ago, telling myself not to trust people too much. Not to form close relationships. I really do not like feeling disappointed with people over and over again. But looking back .. i enjoyed the company of these boys .. like children who have grown up before my eyes .. and i am ready to be disappointed. How much I can take I do not know for now. Probably in due time .. it'll drain me so much .. all that I would become is just another corpse.

God help me. God guide me. God teach me. God, I need your help and support as I carry on this route. I do pray that all had not been in vain. Receive my spirit, renew it and refresh it. Bless all my boys that they will grow up as a christian who truly follows after Your heart. All that I am, all that I have, I give it for Your purpose. :D

Thot of the week ...

2005-01-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

2004 gone, 2005 came. Without thinking, i've been serving my Lord in BB for 2 years liao ... and in those 2 years i've experienced so much joy and sadness. Seeing how the boys have grown have given me satisfaction and joy, like a father. Yet, i remembered too, the times when I have grown worried for them ... scared that they will grow bad ... Probably becoz it would mean I have failed (i guess) and wasted all my time. I also realised that, it is humanly impossible to make sure the grow up well but rather, I needed God's help.
I've came to realised that I've grown rather fond of my boys .. loving them, worrying over them and most of the times at a loss at what I to do with them. They meant so much to me now that I just dunno if I can just quit serving altogether. I prayed that they will grow up in God's wisdom. That they will change for the better ... I tried to go out with them often but also worried that they will see me so often that they become sick of it and not come BB and all ... sigh ... What am I to do??
I sometimes think back on those days when I have not started serving. Thinking back on my quiet saturdays .. having a good rest after my night shift ... having loads of free time to do whatever I want ... BUT when I remember the faces of those I serve, I do not regret giving up all my free time for them. Infact, I'm glad I agree to serve them .. because I would be missing out on so many happy moments that really bring a smile on my face .. especially when I look back at the photos I've taken ..
Who knows what will happen in the future except the Lord. But I know that I can pray that these boys will grow up knowing and also serving God as I have. That I would have somehow made a little impact in their life .. and everything will, in the end, turn out well. Just wanted to say and shout it out here ... I LOVE U GUYS!! :D

2004-12-22T17:37:00.000+08:00

hiyaz .. this is like the third or fourth time i'm trying to post an entry. always unsuccessful one .. anyway, have notice that more and more people are turning to blog .. and am finally bought over after reading the last person who sent me his link. have another bloggin thingy at livejournal, but not using much of that anymore liao .. sooo

today is 22 Dec le ... will be going on leave from 23 Dec till 31 Dec .. then starting work on the 3rd Jan .. so shiok .. and then christmas is coming and i have not done any christmas shopping at all .. haiz .. so busy lately .. so many things to hand up before this year is over ... but i pray that i will really enjoy the remaining days left for 2004 ..

time sure past by fast ... have been a volunteer with BB for the past two years .. seeing the boys grow has really been a blessing and encouragement to me ... maybe that's why there are that many volunteers who have remained.

2004-12-22T17:36:00.000+08:00

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